When your worst photo is all over the internet

Learning to love a bad picture of myself.

Good day readers - most of you have seen this photo of me.

It’s pretty haunting.

Over a million people saw my article in the Huffington Post within 48 hours. Now, even more are seeing it in Buzzfeed.

I have to reckon with myself in this photo.

I remember when the photo was taken. It was my first time seeing July after being in an induced coma. I’d been out a few days and pretty near the brink of existence. I’m freshly off a ventilator and stabilized. I had been up all night before, informing the celestial powers that I would not be dying right now. I was exhausted, scared, uncomfortable, could barely breathe, with a likely dash of ICU psychosis, but I was alive.

When the morning came, I got a visit from my baby in the ICU.

She’s so pink and full of life - and I look like a ghost.

My hands look white like blood has stopped flowing there. My face pale too - reminding me of the time in high school theater when I played a dying villager in the Greek play Oedipus. Then I used alabaster foundation with green tints. We even had to buy kits from the famous theatrical make-up company BEN NYE. The kit was called “The death wheel.”

But now, this was my actual face.

I had “death wheel” face in real life. And it’s striking.

Yup, these are the colors of death. Or, at the very least, a near-death coma.

Come to think of it, I’m not sure how I was fed during the coma - maybe through a tube or intravenously. I do remember waking up not very hungry. I’m mostly powered by broth here.

My hair is a matted nest. I had put my hair in a braid to have my baby, but somewhere along the way it morphed into a squirrel’s nest top knot. It was so bad my ICU nurse spent two hours getting the knots out with a comb. I told her to just cut it off, but her will to help me was stronger.

July looks so peaceful here. Most times she would visit me in the hospital, she fell right asleep. Zach said she must know she’s with her mom. Her sweet little expression looks almost like a smile.

She did smile developmentally early in the first month. Her little joyful expressions were such a sweet island of solace in a stormy sea.

Here she is grinning up at me while I make silly faces.

My expression is also a smile. Or rather a smirk. Right into the camera, I look with strong eyes. Everything else about me looks dead but my eyes and smile reveal my power. I was not going anywhere.

I’m honestly not sure where this fortitude came from, but I was infused.

Waking up was a turning point for my entire life. I was so motivated to survive for her, my tiny North Star. At the moment, I was no longer passive in the experience, but now I was, not only, awake - I was awakened to my own power.

Even half-dead, I had my voice and I was intent on using it.

And when I look at this awful photo of myself now, I see toughness in my gaze and grit in my smile.

Sure, the creases on my forehead were deep and permanent. Yes, I look sicker than I’ve ever looked in my life. Seeing it over and over on the internet, has been a bit cringeworthy, but this photo has a life of its own now.

I’ve learned to love this photo. It shows a woman who has taken hit after hit after hit - and is still smiling.

I’m stronger than I ever knew. And so are you.

And I love that it’s reached so many folks. I hope my story helps people.

AMA- do you have questions for me? Feel free to drop them in the comments.

TAYLOR ON THE POD

Taylor is on an episode of The Life Shift Podcast - about the moments that irrevocably change us. Matt asks me some powerful questions about the nature of my survival. Give it a listen:

COMMENT OF THE WEEK

“Even one or two people can feel like a village when you’re alone in a rare medical life 🫶” Nikola

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I started writing this when I was on dialysis. It’s intended to be both memoir and a practical tool to help folks who might be going through something similar or those caregivers and family supporting someone with a challenging diagnosis. NOTE: This is not intended to replace actual medical guidance. Please consult your doctors on your individual challenges and situations. Please talk to your clinicians before adjusting any of your care protocols. Also names have been changed for most of my medical staff.

Thank you to CC Couchois, Roy Lenn, and Dr. Richard Burwick for your founding level donation.