Feeling unsafe in your own body
My Meat-car Metaphor
Hi lovely readers-
Happy St. Patrick’s Day - I reopened this story from my first St. Patrick’s day with July from the archives. A day we learned how truly lucky we were:
When I got off dialysis, I started to worry about my body apart from the constant monitoring. I had labs weekly for a while, but it wasn’t the same as every few days. How do you learn to stop living in fear when the “call is coming from inside the house” so to speak?
My body is the danger zone- how do I ever feel stable again? Especially less than a year after my flare?
I created a mental-construct called “the meat-car.”
Monday, November 17, 2022 - two months off dialysis
Anyone with an illness or has experienced anxiety may know it - the “I don’t feel safe in my body” feeling creeping back into my mind.
After my dialysis port removal, I got my first bad cold or maybe flu and it was extremely triggering for me. I remember laying in bed, reading the fever on the thermometer, googling the symptoms of meningitis (my drug’s very weak spot), and falling down a dark grim rabbit hole.
Just the feeling of backsliding from wellness, sent a chill down my spine and through the fortress of confidence I’d carefully and slowly constructed over many months.
So, I ate some ice cream.
I decided that nothing bad could happen to me if I eat ice cream. It’s not logical, but somehow, it worked to soothe me. The firing of neurotransmitters and the salve of chocolate chips wrap a cozy blanket of sweet, cool deliciousness over my freefall of worry.
I compare being in a body to driving in a car. It’s essentially incredibly dangerous to drive. And we really count on everyone to stay between arbitrary barriers going at 80 miles an hour. It’s truly bananas if you stop and think about it. We trust pretty much everyone to do this very dangerous thing all the time.
Yet, most people dutifully get in a car without too much worry and drive all the time. And often, we enjoy it. At least, I do.
Well, my body is a meat-car. Most of the time, we are fine in our meat-cars. Danger might lurk, but we must keep on driving to get where we need to go. We can’t stop. That’s no way to live.
So, we might as well try to turn on some good music, roll down the windows, and head to adventure.
But always try to be safe driving your meat-car.
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Comment of the Week
“Wow, what an inspiring experience, dealing with the complexity and simplicity of navigating the internal conversation of survival. Thank you for sharing your journey.”
How to choose a movie when you might die before the end...?
I started writing this when I was on dialysis. It’s intended to be both memoir and a practical tool to help folks who might be going through something similar or those caregivers and family supporting someone with a challenging diagnosis. I hope to include excerpts here as I write. NOTE: This is not intended to replace actual medical guidance. Please consult your doctors on your individual challenges and situations. Please talk to your clinicians before adjusting any of your care protocols. Also names have been changed for most of my medical staff.
Thank you to Roy Lenn and Richard Burwick for your founding level donation.