Everything does *not* happen for a reason.

I hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason" and here is why. Plus other life updates.

Hi Readers,

I know this post may be “controversial” but hear me out… and maybe reconsider how you use it if you believe it to be true…

I continue to hear the phrase a lot and I don’t find it comforting.

As many folks who follow me on Instagram know, I was laid off from my stable job of 15 years. It’s a deeply unsettling time. Some kind folks might feel the urge to tell me “everything happens for a reason.” Instead just wish me the best and put me in your supportive thoughts.

But I’m going to claim it here, I do hope to find a publisher for the book I’m writing. Maybe luck will find me. And everyone who disagrees with me can tell me, “SEE, everything DOES happen for a reason” and I’ll wink at you.

And hey, if you’ve been following the blog, maybe consider a paid subscription? Thank you.

PSA: Don’t tell me “Everything Happens for a Reason”

I hate the phrase “everything happens for a reason.”  While it’s often warmly intentioned, it’s a lazy thing to say at a dark time. 

I was just mentioning how I dislike this popular phrase to my therapist. Let’s unpack it, shall we?

First of all, everything means EVERYTHING. To slap this statement to literally everything is already a logical fallacy. At the very least, it may be one of most hasty generalizations I’ve ever heard in my life.

Nature can be chaotic. The unlucky science behind my disease is not something I manifested through the power of attraction for some mysterious benefit. 

The “everything happens for a reason” phrase asks us to make sense of the terrible things that happen to us. But it’s an incredibly privileged phrase. 

The phrase puts some blanket direction on us that doesn't exist. The idea that some folks are born into poverty and some are not, is happenstance. There’s no reason one person is born in wealth and safety while another is born in war-torn violence. 

And violence is another big challenge. The idea that there’s a reason behind the violence enacted upon someone, in my opinion, devalues the role of the victim. The idea that the universe or someone’s God has put abuse in a child’s path for a reason is insane. People stricken by a mass shooting are simply not there for some deeper meaning. It makes me want to burn an empty house down. 

Sure, cause and effect exists, you might argue… but that’s not what we’re talking about either. When people say this phrase they mean there is a greater purpose to something, usually bad, happening to us.

You can spend all day arguing about a celestial higher “reason” but there truly may not be one. It’s all someone's perspective on a situation. Or someone trying to reframe misfortune. Or someone hopeful that everything will eventually be okay.

But here’s the truth; often everything will be okay again.

Life is simply terrible sometimes. 

Some people have more privilege than others.

Bad things happen all the time. 

For me, the world is held together by biology. Sometimes the biology acts out of the ordinary and the effects are often either positive or negative. 

Now, I do know there are innate aspects going on behind the curtain of the universe that we don’t understand. I have hunches, but I don’t think when we were born some of us won nice life maps and some of us  got life maps of pain and suffering for a “reason.” 

We’re a bundle of cells, connected and tethered to those we love, with a lottery game of free-will being played anew at every choice.

I had a system in my body fail. Now, I have a life quite different than I would have wanted. And now, I play my cards the best way I know how.

But before you go thinking I’m a depressive anarchist, I also believe passionately that no matter your cards, there is exquisite beauty and kindness in the world. That amidst the chaos, there is reverberant love and caring.

This is a complicated world. If one extreme exists, then so does its polar opposite. Extremes are an aspect of chaos. 

Whatever your bad luck… or whatever happens to you, there’s light in the dark.

As they say in the theater, when you are in the dark,  find your light.

If you’re new here and wondering, “what happened to this lady?” read The Fighter Still Remains Part 1. xo

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Sue, you’re my hero and your support has meant the world.

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Deanna, you epitomize kindness, grace, and beauty and I’m so honored to count you as chosen-family.

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And Christine, we’ve know each other for so long and I’ve been so blessed to travel this life with you as my friend.

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